Oh my, bloggers block is killing me.
Well, I think it’s complete brain block at the moment. I’m not getting much constructive thought going at all, in any mode.
I finally decided to just write here. Just let the fingers walk all over the keyboard and see what is produced. You may become completely and utterly bored. You may not. No promises either way. Obviously I’m hoping for the latter, though.
I’m banking on my brain returning once the study semester is over. And we’re so close! In fact, I may not even need the end of semester. Just the end of tomorrow may be enough. I have another assessment due tomorrow. These two major ones in the last week have consumed me. Rotted my brain I think.
So that’s what I’m waiting for. A clean slate of thinking. For my brain to be allowed to focus on something other than a major assessment. Or, perhaps on nothing at all. That may be even better.
My brain loves focusing on nothing. I could daydream an entire week away. I may have daydreamed half a lifetime away already.
Shit. That’s a worry.
That’s me though. I’m a dreamer. Every one of my friends knows what they’re getting there. Never rely on me for serious, ambitious type matters. Ambitious is probably the last word anyone would ever use to describe me. I feel dirty even using it here. It’s like a naughty word to me. I can say shit, fuck, all the rest of it… but, ‘ambition’… ?
Get the fuck out.
I will never have ambition. Not that I don’t have dreams and aspirations that I’m working towards. I mean I do put effort towards things. It’s just not what others tend to describe as ‘ambition’ or ‘drive’. But does that matter to me? Does that influence me or my actions?
I am me. I am doing my thing. We are all meant only to do our thing. If we try doing someone else’s thing, or society’s thing, we will perhaps fail, and likely be terribly, terribly miserable.
And I’d much rather be gloriously happy, and fail at my own thing.
I got suckered into meeting others’ expectations early in life.
“You need good grades.” I got GREAT grades.
“You need a University degree.” I got TWO University Degrees.
“You need a stable career.” I became a teacher.
Did I ever chase my own dreams? Do my own thing? Create my own expectations?
No. No, I didn’t.
Sounds like I was a complete drongo, doesn’t it?
But I wasn’t. I just thought I was doing the ‘right’ thing.
Well, I have learned that the ‘right’ thing is completely different for everybody. And we need to set our own expectations. Define our own ambitions.
Define what makes you happy. Chase that. Chase only that.
I always knew I had different dreams. I always knew I had to do things differently. Differently from what I had been doing all through my schooling years. And even beyond. But for some reason, it took me until this year to really get it.
I will always remember the exercise that lead me towards quitting my ‘career’ and living what it truly meant to be me.
The exercise was called ‘Me as a perfect 10’. The idea was to write a brief piece. Say a page or two. Whatever comes to you. You were to write that piece as yourself in the future. But yourself as the happiest person in the World.
What made you a perfect 10 on the happiness scale? Where were you? Who were you with? Were you alone? What were you doing? What was your profession? Describe absolutely everything in as much detail as possible.
Well, here’s my abridged version…
I was living by the beach, in a shack. I had a pet dog who I’d rescued from the pound. I worked from home as a writer.
Oh, and by shack, let me clarify with a passage straight from the piece…
“I say ‘shack’; well it’s modest, but it has absolutely everything you would need and it isn’t likely to fall down anytime soon. A roof is a roof. A home is what you put under that roof. This shack is in a way much like myself. Simple and modest, but full of heart and strangely charming.”
I can’t believe I called myself ‘charming’. Who’s got tickets on themselves? Wow. What an ass-clown.
But, you get the point.
Thanks for reading. I love you all!