Embrace it!

So, I just read some article about 20 things to do to truly embrace your 20’s.

I figured I’ve done a fair bit. Surely I have most of that list covered.

I’d done about 5. Well, that was depressing.

And they weren’t the fun five, either.

But then I found two more similar articles. I had about 15 in each of those covered. That cheered me up a little.

And then I found a list of the 8 biggest life mistakes you can make in your twenties. And I had made all of them.

But in the last year, I have also done the opposite to all of them. Perhaps even rectified all of the ones I made early.

So, perhaps I have finally begun to embrace, well… life. And my twenties, thankfully while I’m still in them. And it points to positive signs for the future.

I had a friend say the other day, “Wow, you have achieved so much already.”

Well, maybe, I guess, in list form of experiences. But not as far as my true desires are concerned. I still have much, MUCH to achieve.

But I think I’m headed there now.

Better late than never, right?

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Be The Honey Badger

You may or may not have seen that video circulate some time ago. You know the one. The one with the honey badger. The honey badger is eating bees and cobras, not caring that it’s being stung a thousand times, or passing out from the immense venom consumed from eating a deadly snake. And the commentary is what made it viral.

“The honey badger don’t care. Honey badger don’t give a shit.”

And with all the conversations I’ve had lately about people hating their jobs, or not being sure if they should take a job that will tilt the work/life balance far into ‘work’, or even talking to myself about my lack of much work… I have realized the honey badger has it right. Just do what you want. Don’t care. Don’t give a shit. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. If you want to do it, then just do it.

Does the honey badger think twice before thrusting itself into a bee nest when it’s craving honey? Nope. It just does it. It’s not acting (or refraining from acting) out of fear. It wants honey, it gets honey.

Does the honey badger think twice before wrestling with a deadly cobra because it’s hungry ? Nope. It just does it. Again, fear is not a factor for decision here. It’s hungry, it takes on the snake.

And I think too often, we all act, or don’t act, out of fear.

I just spoke to someone who hates their new job from promotion. I said if you can’t make it work for you, ask to be returned to your old position, which you loved. They said they couldn’t. It would look bad. But their decision isn’t being based on want, or even need. It’s being based solely on fear. On ‘what ifs’. On possible negative repercussions.

Would the honey badger worry about the repercussions? Or would the honey badger do what it wanted?

Exactly. The honey badger does what it wants.

You should, too.

You deserve to do what you want. We all do.

If I Was A ’10’ On The Happiness Scale

Oh my, bloggers block is killing me.

Well, I think it’s complete brain block at the moment. I’m not getting much constructive thought going at all, in any mode.

I finally decided to just write here. Just let the fingers walk all over the keyboard and see what is produced. You may become completely and utterly bored. You may not. No promises either way. Obviously I’m hoping for the latter, though.

I’m banking on my brain returning once the study semester is over. And we’re so close! In fact, I may not even need the end of semester. Just the end of tomorrow may be enough. I have another assessment due tomorrow. These two major ones in the last week have consumed me. Rotted my brain I think.

So that’s what I’m waiting for. A clean slate of thinking. For my brain to be allowed to focus on something other than a major assessment. Or, perhaps on nothing at all. That may be even better.

My brain loves focusing on nothing. I could daydream an entire week away. I may have daydreamed half a lifetime away already.

Shit. That’s a worry.

That’s me though. I’m a dreamer. Every one of my friends knows what they’re getting there. Never rely on me for serious, ambitious type matters. Ambitious is probably the last word anyone would ever use to describe me. I feel dirty even using it here. It’s like a naughty word to me. I can say shit, fuck, all the rest of it… but, ‘ambition’… ?

Get the fuck out.

I will never have ambition. Not that I don’t have dreams and aspirations that I’m working towards. I mean I do put effort towards things. It’s just not what others tend to describe as ‘ambition’ or ‘drive’. But does that matter to me? Does that influence me or my actions?

Fuck no!

I am me. I am doing my thing. We are all meant only to do our thing. If we try doing someone else’s thing, or society’s thing, we will perhaps fail, and likely be terribly, terribly miserable.

And I’d much rather be gloriously happy, and fail at my own thing.

I got suckered into meeting others’ expectations early in life.

“You need good grades.” I got GREAT grades.

“You need a University degree.” I got TWO University Degrees.

“You need a stable career.” I became a teacher.

Did I ever chase my own dreams? Do my own thing? Create my own expectations?

No. No, I didn’t.

Sounds like I was a complete drongo, doesn’t it?

But I wasn’t. I just thought I was doing the ‘right’ thing.

Ha!

Well, I have learned that the ‘right’ thing is completely different for everybody. And we need to set our own expectations. Define our own ambitions.

Define what makes you happy. Chase that. Chase only that.

I always knew I had different dreams. I always knew I had to do things differently. Differently from what I had been doing all through my schooling years. And even beyond. But for some reason, it took me until this year to really get it.

I will always remember the exercise that lead me towards quitting my ‘career’ and living what it truly meant to be me.

The exercise was called ‘Me as a perfect 10’. The idea was to write a brief piece. Say a page or two. Whatever comes to you. You were to write that piece as yourself in the future. But yourself as the happiest person in the World.

What made you a perfect 10 on the happiness scale? Where were you? Who were you with? Were you alone? What were you doing? What was your profession? Describe absolutely everything in as much detail as possible.

Well, here’s my abridged version…

I was living by the beach, in a shack. I had a pet dog who I’d rescued from the pound. I worked from home as a writer.

Oh, and by shack, let me clarify with a passage straight from the piece…

“I say ‘shack’; well it’s modest, but it has absolutely everything you would need and it isn’t likely to fall down anytime soon. A roof is a roof. A home is what you put under that roof. This shack is in a way much like myself. Simple and modest, but full of heart and strangely charming.”

I can’t believe I called myself ‘charming’. Who’s got tickets on themselves? Wow. What an ass-clown.

But, you get the point.

Thanks for reading. I love you all!

The Liebster!

So, I vanished again. I tend to do that. I got busy and  this blog was eating up time I couldn’t afford to give in the last couple weeks. But, I don’t want to stop completely. I may just have to cut back. Manage my time instead of going hammer and tongs and then burning out. But onto a positive…

vinnieh and impossiblegirl123 both nominated me for Liebster Awards! Like, 4 + days ago. Very generous of them. Thanks guys! Oh, and do check out their blogs! vinnie’s is vinnieh and impossiblegirl’s is Life and Other Disasters. They won these awards themselves, because they’re awesome. As are their blogs. They’re two that I make sure I keep up with, even when I’m going on posting sabbaticals myself. They’re well worth a read!

I’m only doing part of the task here, because time permits only a partial response. I will answer the questions posed by each vinnie, and impossiblegirl. Here goes!

Vinnieh’s Questions:

1. What film can you watch and never ever get bored with? My two favourites, Ronin and Leon.
2. Which movie character reminds you of yourself? Um… Gil, Owen Wilson’s character, from Midnight in Paris. I have in the past often felt trapped and like I belong elsewhere. We also have the same writing aspirations. It’s just all very me. Similar outlooks and way of interacting with people as well as humour and all that.
3. If you could travel back in time, which era would you visit? The 1920s, I think. That would be interesting. Like in Midnight in Paris!
4. If you could be reincarnated as an animal after your death, what animal would you want to be? A dog! Because I like being man’s loyal best friend and totally pampered.
5. What was the first movie that really scared you? Chucky! Or Seed of Chucky, or whatever the bloody thing is called. I was 10 years old and at a friend’s birthday sleepover party. We found it on TV and thought we should be rebels. Whoops.
6. If you could work on a film with just one actor or actress, who would you work with? Oh, as if you don’t all already know the answer. Sophia Bush!
7. Madonna or Lady Ga Ga? Neither? Haha. Maybe Madonna.
8. Dog or cat lover? Dogs! 100%
9. James Bond or Jason Bourne? That’s not so easy. Big fan of both. But, I am going to side with James Bond.
10. What song best describes you? ‘Don’t Worry Be Happy’ by Bobby McFerrin
11. What is your idea of a great weekend? Something pretty cruisy, just chilling with friends. Anything that involves good food, drinks, company and conversation.

impossiblegirl’s Questions

1. If you could be part of any story (a book or movie or TV show), which story would you chose? There’s a theme with my thought patterns and desires at the moment… Midnight In Paris.
2. Tea or coffee? Coffee! I like tea as well, but (during winter especially) I love coffee in the mornings!
3. Which fictional character bares the most resemblance to you (either in physical appearance, in character or both)? I feel we’ve covered this with the first lot. Gil, from Midnight in Paris.
4. Summer or winter? Summer, absolutely!
5. Would you rather watch exclusively TV shows or movies for the rest of your life? Movies I think.
6. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go? Paris is due for a visit!
7. Gummy bears or chocolate? Oh, man. Gummy bears IN chocolate? Haha. Depends on my mood. Probably take the chocolate if pushed though.
8. What’s the first movie you really remember? And why was it so memorable? Milo and Otis. I remember really loving that as a kid.
9. Which song could you listen to on repeat for hours? Any Dave Matthews Band song. Let’s go with ‘Jimi Thing‘.
10. Comedy or Horror? Comedy. Definitely.
11. Which Big Bang Theory character are you? I am one of the few people that don’t love that show. Having said that, probably Raj, because he can’t talk to girls either, and he’s funniest of the bunch. 😉

Just The One Regret…

I missed a few days in the blogsphere, but there was a Daily Prompt I wanted to address. This one asked – What’s your biggest regret? How would your life have been different if you’d made another decision?

I want to address this one, because journaling my thoughts is a good way to access them. And I believe in maintaining a completely honest and open approach to this blog. A vulnerable approach, even. And I may become a little vulnerable with this one. But I like that feeling.

I tend not to look at any past events as ‘regrets’. Those things to me are what I would generally refer to as ‘lessons’. Having said that, I made a decision once based on morals and not the heart. So, it was a lesson as well, but certainly the closest thing I have to an official regret. It was perhaps a little bit of what sparked my New Years Resolution to be more selfish. It’s a tricky one though, because although I have had the moral clash, I still stick by them and don’t know if I could turn on them, even if I had this chance over again.

The good news is, it is not necessarily irreversible. But we’ll get to that at the end.

About a year ago, last September, a friend was having a few drinks in the city for his birthday. I never caught up with the guy outside playing soccer with him, and he is a terrific bloke, so I wanted to. We weren’t playing on the same team anymore, so we never saw each other. It was a good chance to catch up.

I almost didn’t go. That night my housemate and I could barely be bothered going. It was all the way in the city, and we were feeling pretty lazy. We talked ourselves into it though. We did want to catch up with the guy.

We got there and the bouncer wouldn’t let us into the pub. It was a bit odd. We were dressed nice enough, and there were blokes basically wearing rags walking out of the pub while we stood there on the sidewalk.

We almost went home. We rang our mate and explained our predicament as we were walking back to the car. He said bollocks to that, he’d rather drag his mates out of the pub and go elsewhere to drink than send us home.

So we turned back around to meet him. While we were waiting for him and his crew to emerge from the establishment, one of his friends turned up. A very attractive woman. I forget how we knew we were looking for the same people, but we worked it out. That’s not the important part anyway.

Now, at first sight, I thought she was gorgeous, sure. And with first conversation I thought she was my kind of people. But I wouldn’t say I was hook, line and sinker straight off the bat. I think I’d assumed she was there with someone. And at that point, I wasn’t single, either.

Anyway, point is, I thought nothing of anything at this point. I wasn’t interested in meeting anyone. I hadn’t even bothered to shave!

We all went to another bar. A little dive joint. I really liked the place. We all ended up in an upstairs room, and  it was mostly just the birthday crew there.

I didn’t really know anyone except my housemate, so when he ended up talking to our mate with the birthday over in some corner of the bar, I was left kind of just floating. It wasn’t planned, but somehow this gorgeous lady and myself ended up seated next to each other, so we struck up a conversation.

Well, you hear people say things like “I’ve never met anyone like them before,” and “we were connected instantly like kindred spirits as if we’d known each other for forever.” I never bought into that crap. Damn, you hear people say that, too. Suffice to say, I had to stop myself from using those phrases later that night.

We got along instantly. We were on the same wavelength. It was strange. We seemed to be thinking the exact same thing at all times. We had the same sense of humour, and sense of, well, everything. We were so connected spiritually (for lack of a better word) that it really wasn’t until after we parted that I realised, “hey, she was absolutely beautiful, too.”

Bare with me as I try to explain it…

We had a lot of odd things in common. I don’t mean like, “oh, you’re left-handed too?” Nope, random connections. Like, she was born in the tiny town in England that my mum was born in. Her dad and I both started with degrees in Zoology and then leaped to teaching secondary science. (At that point I still was teaching.) One weird one, was when she likened something I said to sounding like a quote from a Jim Jarmusch film, when that week, I had finished writing a screenplay based on myself I had penned with Jim Jarmusch in mind. No joke.

Those are just a couple tidbits I remember. We spoke for a couple hours. She was basically the only person I spoke to all night. It was fascinating that we just seemed like the same people. We both learned a lot about each other in a very short time frame. And we wanted to. Which was weird. Ice-breaking conversations and small talk bores me to buggery. But this wasn’t like that at all. I don’t even know how to explain what it was actually like.

And now at the risk  of being cliche, I can honestly say I have never, and will never meet anyone like her, or that I connect with on the same level. I don’t see it as possible. I’ve met an awful lot of people, and that was… weird… different… amazing.

What happened? Well, we exchanged numbers and agreed to stay in touch. A few emails were sent. She shared her artwork and I shared some writing. But I couldn’t keep up the correspondence for more than a couple weeks in good conscience.

I was developing feelings for her. And I wasn’t single.

To be honest, I knew it was going to happen. And I knew I was going to stay faithful to my girlfriend of 18 months rather than follow my heart. Gee, sounds like an obvious decision now, doesn’t it? And my housemate knew I knew it, because I was freaking out that night.

After the party had finished and we all parted ways, my housemate and I made the short walk to China Town to grab some late-night dinner. I was jittery. Like, proper jittery. I felt sick. Sick with a mixture of excitement and a dilemma. I couldn’t handle having to make the decision of “if there’s something here with someone who is basically perfect for me, can I leave my girlfriend for her?” I never thought I would have to make a decision like that. I didn’t want to be that guy. I felt like I was betraying my girlfriend, simply by asking myself that question.

On a side-note, that’s why I remain single with absolutely no plan to start dating anyone. I realized there was actually something missing from all my other relationships. Something that actually existed and was obtainable. Something I hadn’t been able to qualify until that encounter. There was a connection there that my relationships had lacked. And now that I knew it existed, there was no way I could in good conscience enter into a relationship without knowing it was there.

Anyway, back to the dinner. I remember my housemate and I sitting in the Chinese restaurant, and I was just shaking. I never leave food on the table. Never. I think I had two mouthfuls. I was freaking out trying to work out what to do. My housemate said, “I have never seen you smile like that at any point. When you were talking to her, you seemed… right.”

And he was right. And although he wouldn’t encourage me to leave my girlfriend, I knew what he was getting at, and he was right about that, too.

But of course, I didn’t. I instead broke communication with this dream-woman and continued trying to give my all to my current relationship. But of course, it failed 8 months later. And now I am without anyone. Serves me right I guess.

So that is my one regret. Though, I may have trouble doing anything differently a second time around. I guess I’ve tried to avoid that by wanting to avoid another relationship unless of course I experience that same connection again.

But, as I mentioned at the start of this… essay (sorry ’bout that)… perhaps it is not necessarily irreversible. I mean, I still have her contact details. And I know she would be excited to hear that I have decided to chase the dream and make my writing a profession. (Something we had talked about in depth).

So, maybe I’ll have to keep you all posted. Perhaps I may still overturn this one regret…

Back In The Saddle

Uh-oh, four days have passed without me writing here! I had been trying to force myself to maintain a habit of writing every single day. I was doing well for a while. This week I started struggling with the blog ideas. But, then my head drifted towards other ideas.

I have been dabbling with my screenwriting. That’s fun. I don’t know if I’ll ever come up with something worthy of chasing professionally, but I at the very least enjoy it and it gives me a chance to write something.

And I know via that means of writing daily, I neglect you all here. So, I apologize. I have missed you all, if that is any consolation. I have been thinking about you and your blogs. Mostly your blogs. Let’s not make this weird.

But, here I am forcing myself to write something on my blog. And it is something of nothing, but… well, that is okay, too. Right?

I think it is important for me to continue writing every day. And know that if I am not here, hounding you all with my nonsense, I am in fact still writing. Just, in a different medium. My nonsense is being confined to screenplays only I will see, or a novel I will probably never have the guts to attempt anything with, for a lack of belief that my words are worth reading anymore than anyone else’s.

Whoops, I got a bit mopey there. I didn’t mean to. And as I remind my friends constantly; “I do not hold a negative self belief, I merely hold a realistic one.”

I believe it. No-one else does. Does that make it false? Who knows. But, just because I may think something is beyond me, does not necessarily mean I won’t attempt to grasp it all the same. People have been overachieving all their lives. (See Bieber, et. al.)  So, why shouldn’t I be allowed to?

You’re right. I should. And gosh-darn it, I will.

Tsundoku

I came across an unfamiliar word. ‘Tsundoku’. It refers to buying a book and leaving it unread, typically stacked with other bought and unread books.

I have a tsundoku problem. I may need Tsundoku’s Anonymous or something. TA. Anyone know a good TA support group?

I have a stack of books… wait… two stacks of books on my bedroom floor as we speak, that I recently bought and have not read. Well, I’ve read one.

And I agree with Lagerfeld, here…

Image credit: Choose and Book

Admittedly, I am not 100% sure on how to buy time. But I do like the concept. And I appreciate what is being said here. It isn’t just about books, either. If you want to commit to something, do yourself a favour and see it through completely. Don’t become a tsundoku of life.

Clothes Altercations?

I passed a shop I thought said ‘Clothes Altercations’. It was just ‘alterations’.

Obviously my mind messed up the information my eyes sent it. Perhaps it did it on purpose. “That makes too much sense, I’m going to spruce this up,” my mind would say. Or maybe I just need my eyes checked.

Either way, I pictured a very different store. My store contained Black Belt Fedora roughing up Woolen Mittens for money. In the corner, Steel Capped Boots was kicking the ass of Jeggings. And Scarf was strangling Turtleneck Sweater as if it needed the help.

But that store doesn’t really exist. In the real store, clothes are simply changed. I suppose it’s where clothes go to sell out. I want to send one of my store’s items in there just to say, “You’ve changed, man.”

How One Thought Can Shape A Lifetime

This will not be a lough-out-loud or charismatically-induced-gentle-smile post. It will be a sad post. For me at least. If you know me it says an awful lot about me. If you don’t, be prepared to learn a little something. I do apologize. I’ll make the next one fun and uplifting.  Think of this as me attempting the therapy I never received.

This is something I have only ever told one person. So to throw it up on the internet is… daunting. I know you’ll all be gentle, I’m not worried about that. It’s still daunting.

By the way, this is for the Daily Post Weekly Writing Challenge: I Remember. Okay…

 

Origin Story – Why This Blog?

I hardly remember why I started my blog. And it was only recently. I don’t think there was one particular reason.

It was about writing.

It was about exploring thought.

It was about allowing me to be me, and in a way, connecting with my inner self in a way I cannot do through thought alone.

It was about having some fun and connecting with other bloggers.

And it is still about all those things. Maybe more about sharing ideas and thought with other people even moreso than originally.

Ultimately, I’m just having fun with it. I’m placing no expectations on the blog. There are no ambitions here. You often will not find rhyme or reason. For me, there doesn’t need to be. If it feels right, do it. That is the attitude I have adopted with this blog. “Whatever happens, happens, man!”

I feel very honored to have anybody at all reading this thing. The fact that genuinely kind and brilliant people have been commenting and connecting with me here is absolutely soul-warming. A sincere and HUGE thank you to you all. Hopefully you get something – who knows what, but something – out of this blog of mine. That alone makes it worth sticking with. So, thank you.

The Daily Prompt link: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/08/02/daily-prompt-beginnings/